I came to realize a long time ago that when people ask ‘how are you?' the majority of the time they don't really want to know the truth.
Just try it sometime - telling someone how you are really doing... it's quite sad when you watch their face drop and they quickly change the subject to something else.
I got so used to lying to others about how I was doing, I didn't even realize when I was lying to myself.
During one of my sleepless nights a week or so ago, I was praying and asking myself some tough questions. It was then that I realized that the root of some of my questions could be found in the fact that I'm not happy. Yes, I have an amazing community and a great job. But there is something missing. And as much as I love my job, I don't want to be sitting behind a desk buying plane tickets for other people for the next three years.
Sure I am spending extra time with God and extra time alone to figure out how to get me out of this funk, realizing that part of it is a choice and the other part is the reality that there are some things that may have to change over time.
the biggest thing I need to do is stop lying! Sure some people will want to know the truth in how I am doing, and others just want to hear the ‘ok'. But the truth is that I can't even answer those who want to know if I don't even know myself.
The other day at church, in between songs our worship leader asked us to close our eyes and picture ourselves with Jesus. It was really easy to slip into the familiar pictures of what this should look like ~ to be a small child sitting in the arms of God on his big throne or having Him look down at me as we hold hands walking... but something was different this time.
I can't say for sure where we were. It felt as if we were in many different places all at once... looking across the horizon as the red sun setting over an Africa plane, feeling the humidity of the jungles of Latin America, and even standing in the heavens. But it didn't really matter where we were. The biggest difference this time was that I was not a child. I was dancing with Jesus, and I was exactly how old I am today. I was just as tall, the same length of hair, I looked exactly as I do today.
Last week a group of us were sitting around the table talking and I came to the realization that so many of us continue to see God as our Father, which = us as children. But the reality is that you do not have to be 5 years old in order to be a child. I am 27 years old, live on the other side of the States from my parents, pay my own bills, make my own decisions, and yet I am still their child. It is the same with God. He will always be my Father, but He no longer sees me as a ‘baby'. It is time for me to no longer picture myself that way either. I am no longer the little blonde haired, blue eyed baby girl who is spun around while she holds tightly to Christ's hands. I can now stand on my own two feet and gently be lead in a beautiful dance across the nations and into the heavenly places.
Here at AIM things have been changing pretty consistently since I came on staff with the World Race last year. Changes are never easy, but they are often necessary.
This last week we have been having training camp for the June '09 World Racers. Training camp is often the highlight of the office staff. We get a chance to connect and pour into the Racers. Our spiritual gifts have an opportunity to be used, and we get out from behind the desk.
Normally I spend my days with the Racers, praying for them, counseling, and helping with the team stuff. This is the stuff that I love. I'm not an overly extroverted person, but when it comes to ministering to others my extrovert comes out! Training camp often reminds me of my years with YWAM and how much I loved pouring into the students.
However this time around things have been different for me... I've been doing a lot of the logistical things for training camp, and getting things done in the office. This means that I haven't really gotten a chance to get to know the Racers. During times of ministry to the Racers the Lord has been really silent, so I haven't even been praying for them either.
At first I thought I could handle this. I love watching the other staff and alumni step out in faith in their giftings! But it's also hard to just watch from the side lines after having done it all myself for so long. There is part of me that wonders if this is a pride thing, if the Lord is trying to teach me and take me deeper into certain things. So I am at a point of deep contemplation, reflection, and brokenness. Asking the Lord what it is that He is trying do and how I can continue to find joy in all that I do (even when my heart would rather be doing something else).
I am sitting during some down time of our first full day of training camp. We've got 34 World Racers here who will be heading to 11 different nations starting in June. The next week will be filled with awesome truths about the Lord, bonding together as a team, and the reality of what things will look like on the World Race (yes, we made them eat chocolate rice pudding and dried anchovies with heads and eyes still intact for breakfast). We have started things off with crazy weather and a few people who had planes delayed or cancelled.
There are so many things that I could sit here and think or worry about. One of the main tasks I've been given task for this week just doesn't seem like it will come together as wonderfully as I would like... My perfectionist inside is dying! But I guess that is a good thing ;-)
I am realizing that if there is anything that I can ask you to pray for it is for revelation.This is what we all need. That the Lord would give each of us a deeper revelation of who He is, what He has done, who we are and what He is calling us to. As much as we are putting this camp on for the Racers, God is wanting and will do things in our lives (staff and serve crew). I don't want to be so distracted from all of the things that ‘need to get done' that I miss the revelations that God is wanting to show me. So please join me in praying for fresh revelations for everyone here at training camp this week.
The last few weeks have been pretty crazy around here. One of our staff just moved back, as God changed things up for her and her husband. She was able to quickly and easily transition back into things, yet it's still a learning process. Then we had some problems with one of the squads – they were trying to travel from the Dominical Republic through the States to Thailand to get to Cambodia. It was a crazy journey, and then we had a girl get sick and stuck in Miami (with two teammates looking after her). I took on the task of keeping everyone in the loop and getting the girls safely to Cambodia to be with the rest of their squad (which happened quite smoothly & she is feeling much better!).
Even with all the random stressful things going on, I think this last week has been the hardest. We have noticed a trend... the closer we get to having a training camp (March 27~April 5), the more Satan will do anything to slow us down. I have felt a heaviness this last week that has affected every part of me. The smallest things have me praying that my filter is on tightly (also known as biting your tongue, or keeping your mouth shut so that you don't say things that you shouldn't be saying). My world has seemed to be spinning at times. Plus it's one thing for me to be spiritually attacked, it's another when it starts to affect my family and friends ... and it has this week.
There are even more changes that are about to happen at work and even in just my life here in Gainesville. Some of them I know are going to happen and I am just waiting for God's timing (however my patience is running thin). Then there are others that I have no clue what they will look like and to be honest I am a little nervous.
This morning I lay in bed and was just asking the Lord what is this emptiness inside of me, the heaviness that is upon me is? Sadly there was no answer. I've spent lots of time this week soaking in worship. There is a deep craving for worship, to just sit in the holy of holies. I don't need to sing, to pray, or to even say a word, I just want to be.
I might be confused, tired, and just ready for things to happen. God hasn't stopped speaking (even if He isn't answering my questions right now). But the faith and trust that I have in God keeps me putting one foot in front of the other for now...
Last weekend I went with a friend down to Jacksonville, Florida. I had been down over Thanksgiving, so I had gotten to know a few people and we went down for a baby shower. It was a really short visit, but totally worth the drive!
Since it is such a long way, I decided to go ahead and use the cruise control. I mean it's supposed to help the gas mileage, plus the bonus of not having to worry about how fast I am going is great!
As I continued the drive, the thought went through my mind... ‘How often is my life on cruise control?'
Sure it has it's benefits ~ being able to enjoy the scenery a bit more, not worrying about speeding and getting a ticket, etc.
But do the benefits out way everything else?
I noticed that I couldn't take as many ‘risks' when using cruise control. I couldn't overtake cars as easily (as their speed was constantly changing). Because my foot wasn't on the gas pedal, it just naturally wasn't as close to the brake pedal either. I felt like I didn't have as quick of a response time when the drivers around me forgot how to drive, since I just wasn't as mentally prepared or focused.
It seems so easy, to just put on the cruise control and not have to worry about everything else. To just coast through life. How often is my life on cruise control? When I just live life, not really realizing what is going on around me. I've noticed when it comes to certain areas of my life I have stopped taking as many risks, I like to stay where it is safe and comfortable. When I forget about the journey itself and just focus on the end result.
It's time to take off the cruise control and begin to take some risks, be alert and ready for anything. I'm not really sure how much that will change things in my life, but I know that it's time. I know that God has something big and crazy in store for me. Even though I have no idea what that means or looks like, I know that I am ready to risk it all again... are you?
Everyone at the office has started to notice... while the other World Race staff have travelled to several different countries since I've moved here, I'm still in the office. Don't get me wrong, I was offered the opportunity to go overseas several times. Yet each time I didn't have a peace about going and when I prayed, the Lord said ‘No'. Rather than totally question the Lord, I just stayed.
Now as I look back I understand why the Lord had me stay in the office... because others needed to go. Jimmy and Ashley needed to go to Southern Mexico so that Jimmy could help Ashley see what a World Race Launch (the first week on the field for a new World Race squad) looked like. Ashley needed to go to the Philippines so that she knew she was capable of it and to put the love and passion back in her. Jimmy and Ashley needed to go to the Dominican Republic because Ashley was going to be leading the group, and so that Jimmy could encourage Ashley and see how we can make a few changes to be able to better equip the Racers from the beginning.
You see it wasn't about me. I know that I am capable of travelling and leading others, I think it's in my blood or something. With Ashley on the field and Jimmy, well being Jimmy, will I make it back to the field again soon? And if I'm asked, will God say I can go this time? I don't know. But if the Lord asks me to stay again I will. Not just as an act of obedience, but because I know that His plans are better and that He sees further down the line than I do ;-)
I am laying on the couch in my basement with a horrible headache that has been plaguing me all day. As I read some of the World Racer's blogs I lay here and wonder what it is that people that read my blogs would want to hear...
« The fact that I was on the phone and internet until 1 am on Sunday morning trying to sort things out for a Racer who was going to miss her flight with her team to the Dominican Republic.
« Or that on Thursday I talked to people in four different countries and emailed with a few more.
« That part of the week was spent getting all the receipts in order and accounted for, for the World Race credit card to hand in the Recon to the finance department.
« Or that I've spent time on the phone with Racer's parents this week – letting them know that I received the debit card they sent for their son, when we will have someone visiting the Racers next, or helping them understand that their son or daughter is visiting a doctor but that everything will be ok (Josh Markland has a nasty infected spider bite, and Elizabeth Adcock was diagnosed with Typhoid yesterday and today was told it's not Typhoid but a bacterial infection).
« Wednesday and Thursday were spent doing phone interviews of people who have applied for the World Race.
« Or that in my ‘spare time' I've been trying to read blogs and adding a few encouraging comments.
My phone stays on and by me at all times, skype is now forwarded to my cell, I have three email accounts that I check... Let's just say that I am a bit tired.
I had some friends from New Zealand passing through over the weekend... they just couldn't quite understand it. ‘Your boss does know that you are working over the weekend and in the middle of the night'... ‘You don't have to do this, you are just being nice' ... but the reality is that, yes my bosses do know what crazy hours I can often work, because they put in more hours than I do! And sure I don't necessarily have to do everything that I do, but if I was in their position I would love it if someone did some of those things (change plane tickets, arrange a hotel, call their family and let them know what is going on, etc).
Why do I do it... because I love it! I might be tired, but I wouldn't have changed anything from this last week. I would do it all over again... and I probably will. I do it because we were able to send out 52 World Racers on the start of their trip, the Racers lives are being changed – they are participating in seeing God change other people's lives – and people are reading their stories on blogs and having their lives changed! It's amazing to think that at this week on the field there were: 137 World Racers, 4 squad leaders (Ashley, Jenny, Allison, Stephanie, & Jake flew home), 2 coaches, Jimmy, Michael & Kathy Hindes and I was the only fulltime World Race staff in the office! (Praise God for Jess who hung out with me in the office a lot this week, I think she helped keep me sane!)
P.S. I hope that is what you are wanting to hear / read... if you've got any other ideas of a blog you'd like to read or something you'd like to know leave a comment as I'd love some ideas J
I've been trying to blog for awhile now. I just can't seem to organize my thoughts into black and white; the words just don't seem to make sense.
I did have a good Christmas ;) Although I wasn't able to make it home for the holiday, I was able to spend it with a close friend and her family. I had a wonderful time as I was adopted and treated like part of the family for Christmas. It was great!
To be honest at the moment I feel like I have a bunch of plates in the air, and although they are not going to come crashing down, I am. Maybe it's just because I am tired and have just a little too much going on at the moment. But I could sure use some added prayers at the moment!
