caseywells - Running from me...

A friend of mine was helping me process, or at least try and figure out the things that I need to process ;) She helped me realize that there are some things that I need to process and need continued healing from things in my past. She helped me see that I have not allowed myself to deal with some of these things because of my disdain for drama. I haven't wanted to draw things out for long lengths of time, yet I am realizing more and more that is often some of these little things that take the longest to fully process and gain emotional healing from.

I am just a slow processor, it takes me awhile after things have happened to really even understand what occurred (what can I say, I'm blonde). So here I am a bit later after our conversation coming to some major realizations... this is deep stuff, and to be honest a little scary... you see if you dig deep the reality is that I don't trust God & I am scared of my future. Ouch. You can call my feelings and emotions from different things in my past all kinds of things (bitterness, frustration, confusion, etc.), but what it has created is distrust and fear. If you would have asked me if I struggled with those things I would have told you ‘No!'. But I think that is because I didn't even see it for what it is. I obviously don't want these things in my life anymore. I can now see how they have slowly been trying to take over my life.

I'm not sure how the processing or healing will work or how long it will take, but I think I am ready. I am ready to face the pain, lies, frustration, unanswered questions, doubt, anger, and even the truth. From my experience I know that it will not be easy or any fun, yet I am willing to go there. The part that I am scared of is that I know that it also means that God has even bigger things in store for me, and I can't even imagine what that could be (have you seen all that God has done in and through me!! What more could there possibly be!?!).